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Secret confessions from a busy mind

I had a dream. I dreamed of a place in Forster where people like me could come together in the name of connecting to our spirits, kindness and personal growth. A place to do yoga, receive healing, give hugs, connect with others and together spread kindness and compassion to the people surrounding us. I dreamed that together we can heal our beautiful community where many people struggle with depression, isolation, health and more.

For the last 4 years I have practiced daily meditation. I have diligently exhaled resentments, fears, insecurities and worked on my energy directly with the dream of creating a fulfilling life for myself and the ones around me. When I have been hurt, I have chosen to go within instead of lashing out. Then there have been moments where I have lashed out and hurt others. I have thanked the person raising these conflicts within me and gratefully embraced those lessons after taking them to my practice. I have dreamed up what I would like my life to look like careerwise, socially, financially. I have sat down with my diary, notes and pens and mapped out what I would like to feel like. I have posted affirmations on the bathroom wall, spoken them out loud while having a shower. I have followed teachers that inspire me. I have subscribed to workshops, retreats and courses helping me grow as a human being and as a mother. The bulk of the money I spend for free time activities is on personal growth rather than on fashion or beauty. It is because I desire to feel plugged in to limitless potential all the time! Yet, my head tends to go haywire and shoot projections into the future. It's exhausting at times.

The dream of having a place for healing and getting together in the name of connecting to our spirits has come true. Our Yoga Studio is exactly all that and more. During the process it did not feel as if I was doing much, all things fell into place. All I did was staying true to my core, choosing to believe rather than crumbling under fear.

And how do I feel? I now have different problems to before. Some of them are bigger. When thinking up this dream, it felt amazing. "Wow, imagine having achieved that! How good will I feel?", that's what I was thinking back then. What am I thinking now that the dream has manifested? I critique myself, I worry about the next step, about feedback and opportunities on how to improve. I plan into the future about workshops, courses, retreats, Forster Yoga Festival, and then feel exhausted as a result. Where is that plugged in feeling?

A breath. A check in with the energy inside me. A lump in my throat. Tears streaming out as I realise once again: "I don't feel good enough. I don't feel worthy of success. I don't feel worthy of receiving gratitude and compliments from our members and teachers." I exhale and let go. More tears. Isn't my passion to help others see how worthy they are? And yet here I am with the same struggle!

Another breath. My passion stems from exactly that pain. There is no such thing as good or bad, right or wrong. Just raising the awareness of what is really going on allows beauty to flow. And that's my confession. I am no better than anyone else. Bliss and that plugged in feeling is only found in the NOW. It's completely irrelevant what you have achieved or not achieved. Comparing takes you away from the NOW. If you find yourself like me, comparing, planning, projecting.... Just breathe and love who you are. Embrace life's lessons about who you really are and let go of who you think you should be. Namaste.

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